All this brilliant advice comes from the Passion4Jazz site
Tips for the Jazz Musician– A few things to remember at the gig.
-Everyone should play the same tune.
-Always wear dark glasses, the darker the better. You won’t be able to see a thing but people will think you’re deep and mysterious.
-Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not. The audience will love this a lot!
-If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of the other cats.
-When talking into the mic, start everything with “Hey man…”
-Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others.
-Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience.
-When hitting a high note, always throw your head back and make a grizzly face expression.
-Take your time turning pages.
-The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note, except among the tone-deaf.
-If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost.
-Strive to play the maximum NPS (note per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent.
-Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the printed score.
-If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it’s easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end.
-If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, “I think we should tune”.
-Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs.
-If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested
-A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation
-A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original.
-When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left.
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If the rest of the band leaves the stand leaving you to solo on, it means one of three things:
1) You're really very good – they are giving you the limelight you deserve.
2) It's the interval – you're wasting time better spent in the bar.
3) The manager just explained something pretty crucial to do with the fee.
Of course these are very important for those who are new to the gig business and those who have done it a little while.
I particularly like the 5th one!
Remember, you are only ever one semi-tone away from a good note.